Many of you in other countries are having trouble understanding the outcome of the recent U.S. presidential election. How could Americans re-elect a president who has entangled us in a disastrous war, bankrupted the nation and alienated half the population?

What non-Americans don’t understand is that we here in the United States don’t choose our leaders on the basis of silly things like policies or facts. No, we rely on something called “moral values:” basic principles of right and wrong. For example, lying to people so you can profit off the deaths of their children is clearly the right thing to do. Poisoning the air and water of your neighbors is honorable. Abusing and sexually humiliating people shows moral backbone. Trampling on human rights is something to be admired. On the other hand, falling in love with someone of the same gender as you is abhorrently evil. Being from another country is pretty bad too.

So, you see, it’s actually pretty simple. Now do you understand?

Me neither.