Volume I, Issue 6. 14th February, 2005             Retirement home "banana peel saboteur" apprehended NAGASAKI: Senior citizens at the Nagasaki Elderly Civilian Storage (NECS) can ventilate a sigh of relief with the dramatic apprehension of the serial killer commonly known as the Sensei Slaughterer, who for months tormented inmates of this, the largest old-age home in central Japan. Takashi Moriyama, formerly a ward boy at Osaka General Hospital, was apprehended when he accidentally slipped on one of his own banana peels - his deadly weapon in many a horrific act of murder. --- MORE --- Al Qaeda, US, North Korea vie for contract to rebuild West African Nation: Inconsequential world leader emerges as Nobel Peace Prize frontrunner GENEVA: Following the dramatic speech of El Hadj Omar Bongo, the Gabonese escapee to the United Nations declaring the government of his son-in-law illegal and genocidal, there has been a plethora of international interest in this tiny nation of 1.4 million inhabitants. "My own dethroning after 40 years of benevolent rule is entirely unconstitutional, especially considering that the successor is my relative. Indirectly, to support his coup, and succession, would be akin to supporting nepotism." --- MORE --- Indian PM marries random elderly Gandhi for surname privileges, gets multiple fractures NEW DELHI: The Racecourse Road press corps were treated to an unusual surprise yesterday when Prime Minister Manmohan Singh (henceforth Gandhi) appeared in the lawns for an emergency morning briefing, with an aged Gujarati woman who he introduced simply as Sudha. As the reporters wondered who the woman was and why the briefing was called, the prime minister attempted a lumbering maneuver, involving what seems to have been a romantic kiss with the unsuspecting octogenarian. --- MORE --- MSN messenger accurate indicator of irksome personality traits NEW REDMOND: A Microsoft Research crack team working on anal retentive behaviour was able to predict to 96.3% accuracy if people had behavioral shortcomings based on impulse-reactions to MSN instant messenger alert tones. The research is marks a landmark in both natural language processing and cognitive science, as it is the first that conclusively infers tautologically that people who think they hear more "r" and "d" sounds than others are more likely to be tactless pests than others. It also concludes that men who habitually think they hear more humane letters of the alphabet such as 'k' and 's' are more likely to shampoo their hair, and grow it, than those who did not. --- MORE --- Pakistan suspicious of Indian scheme to recruit peasants, fashion models as peace emissaries ISLAMABAD: The relations between India and Pakistan, which had received a major boost lately following revelations of cross breeding among camels from the border regions of both states, are in some jeopardy following a wily scheme of the Indian Foreign Affairs ministry to exports farmers from Andhra Pradesh, and models from Mumbai as peace envoys to Pakistan-occupied Kashmir (referred to as Azad Kashmir by Pakistanis). --- MORE --- Disclaimer: Every word on this site is nonsense, and should therefore not be believed by readers as representations of truthful facts. The views on the site are the misguided views of the silly people who are writing all of this. None of this has anything to do with the University of California, Berkeley except that someone there let them use his webspace.