• National Kidnappers Guild Formed
  
SOMEWHERE: In a landmark move, J.K.L.F, L-e-T, P.W.D, U.L.F.A, P.W.G, Veerapen and other brigands came together to form the All India Kidnappers Guild (A.I.K.G). Henceforth any nefarious group or individual who plans to undertake a kidnapping has to get the prior approval from the Guild before executing on their plan.
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• Buxom Starlet's Endorsement Fails to Save Disastrous Mango-Flavoured Coca-Cola
  MUMBAI: The latest round of the Cola wars seems to have been lost decisively by the Coca Cola Corp. without its nemeses having to deliver a single blow. Pepsi, Jal-Jira and Gola Manufacturers all over India are belly-up with laughter at the public reaction to Mangoke - Coke's new mango-flavoured cola product.
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• Sweatshop Workers in Bangladesh on Strike, Tired of Making Unfashionable Clothes
  DHAKA: Chanting the slogan 'Hey, Hey, Ho, Ho! Ugly Clothes Have Got to Go!' into the hot humid air, sweatshop workers at factories outsourced by Lane Bryant, Eddie Bauer, and Wal Mart went on strike today after declaring that they are tired of making 'frumpy, ill-fitting, pastel colored, unfashionable clothes.'
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• 2004 Elections to be Conducted by Show of Hands
  WASHINGTON DC: Following the Diebold controversy and allegations of election rigging through complex technological techniques, the Bush government has decided that the 2004 elections will be held by the simple technique of 'show of hands.' While the nation's disabled are up in arms over this issue, most Americans seem satisfied that this is a fair and righteous way of conducting the election.
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• Homeland Security on Red Alert after Bush Yoga misadventure with celery stalk
  FREMONT, CA: In an early setback to his 2004 presidential campaign, an abortive yoga nasal channel tunneling stunt left President George W. Bush unconscious on the podium of a California amphiteater with a celery stalk sticking out of his nose. The event was a republican party fundraiser organized within the Indian-American community.
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• Gorillas amidst us! Bappi Lahiri upset with Dian Fossey
  MUMBAI: It is confirmed that Bappi Lahiri has finally learned to read. And the first book he read was 'Gorillas In the Mist' by the famous primatologist Dian Fossey.
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• Male Nurses Protest Societal Taunts, Silly Uniforms
  MUMBAI: The Association of Male Nurses and Commercial Health Workers (BNODIX) has threatened to go on indefinite hunger strike starting Feb 1, 2004, if their demands for sartorial self respect and nomenclatural separation from breastfeeding are not met by that date.
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• Mulayam Unrepentant About Parliament Gas
  NEW DELHI: The fateful July 10 episode which resulted in eighty-six hospitalizations, seventeen deaths, two acts of treason, one blasphemy and the potentially permanent abandonment of the parliament building premises is fast becoming a historical turning point in Indian party politics. Mulayam Singh Yadav, president of the Samajwadi Party has not only admitted to being the perpetrator of the noxious intestine discharge, but proudly proclaimed it as a political statement.
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• Hillary Clinton Criticized for Gandhi Joke, Suggests that Indian American Community "Chillax"
  NEW YORK, NY: After receiving strong disapproval from Indian Americans across the country for a Gandhi joke at a recent event, Senator Hillary Clinton (NY-D) held a press conference yesterday in front of a Shell gas station to address the mounting criticisms.
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• Genius "Linux Colonel" in Intellectual Self Doubt After David Lynch Film
  TAMPERE, FINLAND: Pers Pekkinen, known as the Linux Colonel for his path-breaking work in open source operating systems development has been admitted into the Lapinlahti mental institution following his forty-eight hour degeneration to madness after he sat through a "David Lynch Compendium" at the University of Tampere. After seven hours of non-stop film watching, Pekkinen felt utterly baffled, and shrieked out in a rare moment of combined grief and Englishdom, "Confound it!"
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• National Embarrassment Caused by Defence Minister's Shrill Cry At Spotting Lizard
  
BHUBANESHWAR: The BJP government may find itself in a tough spot with its macho coalition partners following an incident on Saturday involving the Defence Minister, George Fernandes. The minister was at a press conference discussing the let out a nasal squeal upon spotting a lizard on the ceiling of a Bhubaneshwar hotel where he was holding a press conference on the future of the Indian missile defence system.
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• Mumbai Socialites Aghast At The World Social Forum, Birla Scion Mistaken For Bush Effigy
  MUMBAI: India's socialite creme-de-la-creme including beer parliamentarian Vijay Mallya, Colaba litterateur Shobha De, Biscuit Widow Nina Pillai, industrial-heir wastrel Yash Birla, failed cricketer Vinod Kambli and a bevy of buxom models including Bipasha Basu and mysterious man Arvind Raj Arcot showed up at the World Social Forum at Goregaon (East), Mumbai. Heartrending scenes of utter humiliation followed their arrival at the venue, mostly due to some (non-therapy related) identity crises.
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• New Line Sued By Indian Writer
  CHENNAI: New Line cinemas has been sued by a little known Indian producer, N.R Muthuswamy, for copyright infringement on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. NRM claims the director of LOTR, Peter Jackson, has lifted many of the scenes straight from his 1997 movie Rakshasarani, a Tamil horror film. Rakshasarani tells the tale of a village girl (played by a buxom, bordering on fat, Manilakshmiamma) who becomes a demon after eating Assamese mangoes.
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• It's Official, Morons Exist
  BARCELONA: Stupid people all over the world need not feel insignificant anymore. In a combined landmark judgment by the UN, WHO, PETA and WHO ME, Morons are officially recognized as distinct sect of people having their own cultural and socio-economic identity.
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• Man With Fixation to the Past Suffers Seven-Month Jetlag
  COLUMBUS, OHIO: 49-year-old Shaival Parekh, a motel-employee from Columbus, Ohio, has finally slept from 10.30 PM on Feb 1, to 7.30 AM Feb 2, 2004 - thereby ending what has been the longest case of jetlag in this recorded history of mankind. Mr. Parekh arrived in Columbus after a one-month stay in his hometown of Surat, in the Indian state of Gujarat, in July last year.
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• Goaties Endear Catholic Schoolboys Again
  KOTTAYAM: Catholic Boarding School boys prefer to have sex with goats over all other animals a survey done by The Misprint in thirty of India's top Missionary Schools. This is the third year in running that goats have topped the infamous 'Animal Sex Objects' list. Amid protests from Maneka Gandhi, dogs came in second, and cows a disappointing third.
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• Former Bureaucrat Shocked At His Own Insignificance Turns To General Harassment
  SECUNDERABAD: Retirement from a vital desk job is never easy, but Bochampalli Reddy, Cashier at the Secunderabad Municipality Public Works department has taken his disintegrating faculty of everyday significance very poorly. In an astounding month of degeneration, Reddy has moved from being a pompous bastard to a sociopathic loose-cannon whose daily activities now include taunting wedding guests at random occasions and rabble-rousing kindergarten tots to protest the euro-centric nature of nursery rhymes.
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• 2004 Will Be A Year Of Disasters
  HAVANA: The year 2004 will be one of aviation and shipping disasters, climate upheaval, political strife and diarrhoea in the world, Cuba's high priests known as Babalawos said in their annual prophesies, warning that sacrifices would be needed to ward of evil omens.
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• Jaywalking Greater Threat Than Terrorism, Proves Economist
  BERKELEY: At a packed community gathering at Berkeley's City Hall, Family Planning Guru and New Age Economic Theorist Kari Yourownwait delivered the speech that will go into the annals of American intellectual history as a path-breaking discovery in a time of political uncertainty. Using statistical tidbits and sparkling wit, Dr. Yourownwait was able to decisively argue against nobody in particular that Jaywalkers did indeed pose a far greater threat to the United States than terrorists.
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• Madagascar Representative Tells the UN to Fuck Off, Recants
  
NEW YORK: Angered at being sidelined from discussions on the war on Iraq and practically every topic worthy of global importance, Madagascar's Permanent Representative Mango-Claude Juckely hurled a series of unparliamentary expletives at the United Nations building in New York City before noticing that he was being observed with curious intent by a group of high-schoolers on a field trip.
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• Pied Piper Look-Alike Terrorizes Genetics Lab, Threatens Pak Economy
  LAHORE: The annual meeting of the Hamdard Association of Genetic and Gerontological Universities (HAGGU) met in an intensely suspenseful atmosphere as scientists, military officials and economists vexed over a mysterious leotard-wearing Englishman who has been roaming the alleys of Pakistani microbiology institutions, terrorizing their residents.
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• Bishen Bedi Mercilessly Molested by Gorilla During Ugandan Goodwill Tour
  KAMPALA: Indian spin legend Bishen Singh Bedi who is currently on a goodwill tour of Uganda, where he has been trying to proselytize cricket among Batwa pygmies, has met with a horrific tragedy while roaming the forests of Bwindi wearing a kimono.
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• Japanese Prime Minister Gives India Development Aid, Gets Conjunctivitis
  NEW DELHI: Within hours of the historic summit between Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee and Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi, the revealed as being a carrier of a severe case of Pinkeye, better known in medical circles as conjunctivitis. He has also developed fabulous hair growth and palm itching, a combination of which make this a truly unique disease - possibly the next media moneyspinner after SARS.
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• EXCLUSIVE: Embedded Journalist Found In Iraqi Beds!
  SOMEWHERE IN THE ARABIAN SEA: We would like to inform our loyal readers that our ace reporter Mr. Sunsilk Chacko has been relieved of his duties as of today. Mr. Chacko as you know was reporting daily from the Iraqi frontline. He was embedded with the U.S. 4th Infantry Division, which was one of the first Coalition Units to storm Baghdad. Apparently Mr. Chacko took his embedded job a bit too seriously and we had no other alternative than to terminate his employment.
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• Lama Wannabes Protest Testing Standards
  LHASA: Tibetan Human Rights groups have taken up the cause of young Lama wannabe children, who have to go through rigorous tests to check whether or not they re-incarnations of previous Lamas. Among the tests included recognition of fruits, physical accessories and private accessories of the previous Lamas. Although it is believed that the recognizers are reincarnations, coaching classes have sprouted all over Lhasa and other possible locations of Lama reincarnates.
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• Post-Modernism Not Science Fiction, Claims Former Subaltern
  PATNA: In a landmark revelation, post modernism has been revealed as being a reasonable area of inquiry, by celebrity homeopath/anthropologist, Dr. Abhishek Malewar, of Patna University. The path breaking researcher spent years trying to seek out the logical roots of the field of study and finally concluded, among other things, that Subaltern Studies was at least as scientific as Optimization Theory.
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• Kerala Government Finds A Big Monkey On It's Back
  WAYANAD: What started out as a vote-gathering venture has turned out to be a major embarrassment yet again for the Kerala Government. To fulfil its election manifesto of reducing the population of the dreaded, and not to mention highly vulgar Red Bummed Monkeys (anus horribilus) the government had issued a notice on Jan 12 to all forest rangers in the Wayanad forest region to take up the unpleasant task of neutering all the males of the species. The consequences were strange and tragic.
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• Taliban Adds Nasal Hair Enforcement to Beard Requirement
  PESHAWAR: Taliban Regroup Committee spokesman Thomas Chingaro has issued a statement at a press conference here that the Taliban has extended its facial hair requirement to nasal hair. The new policy of unassailable inexplicability has left Afghanistan's nations two remaining Afghan political observers scratching their beards in bafflement.
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• Vegetarians in Quandary as Plants Break Silence
  TALINN: In a bizarre challenge to world order, beetroots have started communicating to people, often shockingly in the middle of meals. The first incident took place on May 23 in Talinn, Estonia, where Ivo Valdmann, a postal worker claimed his Rosolje salad had been talking to him.
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• Beggar Strike Threatens Urban Apocalypse
  VISAKHAPATNAM: With the economy in a slump and the number of air-conditioned poverty proof vehicles on the rise, beggars hit hard by the decrease in the size of handouts went on a Flash Strike to underline their travails to refined society.
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• Queen Loses All Bowel Control, to Flatulate Incessantly Henceforth
  LONDON: At a solemn press conference attended by select members of the press, it was it was revealed that following a breakdown in her lower digestive tract, HM Queen Elizabeth II would henceforth pass voluminous gas non-stop till her death or until a medical breakthrough in colorectal transplant research.
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• COMMENT: Holy Rollers rolling a bit too high?
  Shortly before Christmas last year the renowned novelist, essayist and critic Irving Israel published a novel entitled Holy Rollers with the distinguished American publishing house of Harper Collins. While the novel retains the prose style of the dry, satirical novels about New York Jewish life that Israel has published in the past, the subject matter, as Israel himself readily admits, is a far cry from the Woody Allen-inspired social satires for which he is most well-known.
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• US Condemns Iraqi Tactics
  The US army has condemned Iraqi tactics of car bombs, false surrenders, plain clothes militia men and mining of routes. The U.S. Army's senior ground commander in Iraq, Lt. Gen. William S. Wallace said ' the Iraqi use of such tactics could delay the invasion of Iraq, disrupt our carefully laid out plans and cause unnescessary coalition casualities. We condemn them as cowardly and unchivalrous.'
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• War May Bring Quick Regime Change - In Washington
  Bookies in London are now giving 3 to 1 odds that President Bush will be out of power before Saddam Hussein. This scenario which almost no analyst had thought possible a few weeks ago has become more and more likely as President Bush's approval ratings start to nosedive and Saddam's popularity, atleast in the Arab world, starts to rise.
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• Millions Turn to Christianity as VHP Expels Converts to Australia
  After limited success with demands to have all Muslims sent to Pakistan, the VHP (Vishwa Hindu Panchawanprash) has started a new agitation to have Christian converts saddled off to countries where Christianity originated. Unfortunately, the VHP head office was unable to come to a consensus on what country Christianity originated in.
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• UP Government to Buy Huge Consignment of Cow Urine For Rs. 5 A Litre
  The Uttar Pradesh Government is all set to buy 'gau-mutra' at the rate of Rs. 5 per litre for the manufacture of medicines. State Gau Seva Commission chairman Radheyshyam Gupta told reporters on Thursday 'gau-mutra' had been found beneficial in the treatment of various diseases, including changing a person's shitty outlook on life and cancer.
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• BBC Supports Ban on Cow Slaughter
  The BJP party's drive to ban cow slaughter throughout the country has been finding popular support among the bulls of the country. The BBC (Bulls for Bustier Cows) has expressed delight with this new drive and hope that the law would some day extend to bulls as well.
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• Thackeray Loses Rat Race
  The final fixture of the Annual geriatrics 20000-m lemon-n-spoon race, Saffron Supremo Thackeray was narrowly defeated by Godman Chandraswami, who literally returned from the dead to take the coveted prize - a Pomeranian dog.
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• Kerala Govt. On The Road To Speedy Progress: Bans Humps On State Highways - Sex-workers Up In Arms!
  The ruling UDF Government in its greater plan of making Kerala investor-friendly has banned any kind of humps on State Highways. The rationale is that instead of making expensive flyovers, bypasses, shortcuts and such, by removing these 'humps' road travel becomes speedier.
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• New Controversy In Conversion Debate As Mormon Wins Masturbation Marathon
  Rejoicing in tears of alternating pain and joy after a nine minute cranking session, Bruce Kundu, seventeen-year old adopted son of a local Mormon missionary won the annual All-India Masturbation Marathon as arch rival, flute soloist Ravindra Bisht collapsed and went into a coma midway through the sixteenth round of the diddling.
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• Goa MLA Expelled for Calling PM a Great "Bugger"
  Peter D'Souza, the Minister of State for Cultural Activities in Panjim has been expelled till further notice from the State legislature for unparliamentary remarks about the nation's esteemed Prime Minister.
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• Orissa Farmers Agree on Iraq Proposal
  In what is being seen as a major public relations coup, the U.S. ambassador to India, Richard Blackwill, has managed to get a village of onion farmers from Sambalpur to send a contingent of ace fighters to assist American troops in Iraq. In a statement to the press, Blackwill proclaimed, "This is proof that we are all together in this war against anti-democratic practices, weapons of mass destruction, and arbitrary war - each of which Iraq symbolizes."
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• Suspicions Of A Connection Between Piles And Wicketkeeping Confirmed
  Cricketers in the entire Rajni Trophy circuit have been sent a circular requesting them to stop making fun of Nayan Mongia’s effeminate strut. This harsh measure from the BCCI came after new medical breakthroughs that revealed the extent of the national wicket-keeper’s sacrifice for his dear nation.
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• Research Exposes Racism Among Bihar Cattle
  NGO groups that have been consistent in criticizing caste and communal disenchantment in Bihar have for the first time exposed horrific discrimimation among the state's cattle. According to the "Bovine Bigotry Report" done by an ace undercover researcher with the Association for Peace and Behavioural Exchange between Humans and Domesticated Beasts, animals living under the sphere of human influence including cows, buffaloes and goats are far more color sensitive than anybody had suspected.
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• Cochin Corporation Bans Elephants In City During Rush Hour
  In yet another path breaking law to prosperity, the mayor of Kochi has decreed that henceforth no pachyderms will be allowed into city premises between 9 AM and 6 PM.
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• Burn Baby Burn: Effigy Market Looks Up
  The fortunes of the lakh or so effigy manufacturers in India seem to be finally looking up With the cricket world cup around the corner and the US President being a bully with international politics, the demand for effigies is likely to increase.
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• Echoes Are No Good, Argues Nobel Laureate, Again
  1987 Nobel Prize winner Robert M. Solow rose to a standing ovation at the World Economic Forum after yet another stellar performance in stinging criticism of echoes. The crowd reverberated with applause as the economist finished his speech with, "Echoes are uneconomic and wasteful, this, gentlemen, is the point I am making." There were shouts of, "encore, encore!" followed by what seemed like moments of embarrassing silences.
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• Shahrukh Trades Soul For Stardom, To Be Reborn As Pigeon
  With less than five years to go before Shahrukh Khan became a washed-out middle-aged fool among the ranks of Dharmendra, Vijaykanth, and Jackie Shroff, the superstar has extended his star life-cycle by another two decades by signing an agreement with a global consortium of gods including Osiris, Thotha, Shiva and Mohana Kutty (a newly inducted God in the Global Deity Association).
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• No Respite For Elephants In Kerala
  Apparently Kerala's elephant problems seem far from over. Following closely on the heels of the city of Kochi banning them during rush hours, the state assembly has recently passed a resolution, which makes it mandatory for all elephants to wear stop signals or red reflectors on their tails.
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Disclaimer: Every word on this site is nonsense, and should therefore not be believed by readers as representations of truthful facts. The views on the site are the misguided views of the silly people who are writing all of this. None of this has anything to do with the University of California, Berkeley except that someone there let them use his webspace.