ISLAMABAD: The relations between India and Pakistan, which had received a major boost lately following revelations of cross breeding among camels from the border regions of both states, are in some jeopardy following a wily scheme of the Indian Foreign Affairs ministry to exports farmers from Andhra Pradesh, and models from Mumbai as peace envoys to Pakistan-occupied Kashmir (referred to as Azad Kashmir by Pakistanis).

The seeds of the emissary idea were sown following a quaint photograph of a Rajasthani camel in a compromising position with its paramour from Sindh. This picture, taken by National Geographic, was promptly banned by the Deobandi clergy sect in Pakistan. This in turn ensured its maximum circulation in major cities through the black market. The picture was then featured on Star News, and weeping relatives of the camels from both sides of the border exchanged longing glances. This prompted the leaders of the two nations to propose a détente, and promise exchanging peace emissaries across borders as a way of building on the foundation laid by the copulant camels.

However, this stable love affair between the two nations was received its first tremors, as reports of largescale molestation of Indian geese by Pakistani ganders spread quickly following the unprecedented impregnation of 100,000 geese in farms lining the Indian border regions of the Rann of Kutch. Media agencies seemed to blow the event out of proportion, by repeatedly showing pictures of destitute and ostracized geese to emotive Indian news audiences. In the weeks following these dramatic incidents, the Indian government revealed its intention to continue the peace process, but replace the initially planned literary figures (as peace emissaries) with fashion models and farmers.

"I believe the Indian government is trying to seek perverse revenge for the incidents with the geese. It is truly regrettable, since our side is doing its level best to trace down and bring to justice the errant ganders from our side. This recent scheme of sending farmers and fashion models as peace emissaries is clearly fishy, since we are all aware of the suicidal tendencies of both. Who knows what havoc they have been trained to unleash upon our citizenry, but we suspect these may be suicide bombers or something such" said Padrish Youhana, Pakistani Foreign ministry official.

"This is ridiculous," said External Affairs Secretary Rabin K. Patra "Our aim was to aid Pakistani farmers with innovative techniques of water management by sending them our experts from drought prone regions. As for the fashion models, clearly, our neighbours have misunderstood terribly - and I wager that they would not have, if only they had paid keen attention to the quality of their own fashion modeling industry. If there is one country that needs to be reminded that catwalks are not for cows, clearly that is Pakistan."

However, Rabin Patra failed to comment on reasons behind the handpicking of 337 heavily indebted and psychologically devastated farmers from the drought ridden plains of Andhra Pradesh and Orissa. Also, the move to select models Gomzi Kapoor and Reshmi Chaddha as envoys have aroused additional suspicion.

"Gomzi, as you all know," said Nicole Malignaggi, a Mumbai hairdresser, "left his supermodel girlfriend to marry an aged spiritual guru called Tantrika Maheshwari Mata following a tryst with a self-help book and pop psychology. The lady was forty years his senior, arthritic, and in the seventh year of a spiritual pledge to allow no water (or water-related product) to touch her body. This coupled with her tendency to violently smooch Gomzi each time they were in public together caused some flutters in the marriage which eventually disintegrated.

The apparent reason was that Mata could no longer deal with the ignominy of being associated with Gomzi, widely considered a moron. She is said to have left him for Shibu Soren, which only added insult to injury as far as Gomzi was concerned. In these last four months, Gomzi has been the laughing stock of the entire industry, and is frequently pointed out to amused crowds whenever he is at a public place. He is said to be extremely edgy and suicidal."

Regarding the farmers, similar doubts were raised by insiders in the Andhra Pradesh state government which is said to have engineered the peasant segment of this initiative. "Instead of spending an average of Rs. 3,00,000 per peasant for debt rehabilitation, not to mention the political costs of earning the ire of landowners and money-lenders, the government can spend for an air ticket to Islamabad, and safely expect that untoward incidents will claim a number of these peasants.

If any of these peasants die while in Pakistan, their families can claim the central government controlled fund for Indians killed in enemy lands, thus relieving the Andhra state government the pressure of monetary action - funds can now be diverted towards increasing eGovernance initiatives in Visakhapatnam, and towards militarily crushing the People's War Group in Chittoor."

While the state government has vehemently denied any links between the emissaries and aims of spreading instability in the rich democracy of Pakistan. However, there has been no comment on Gomzi's unusual recent public behavior, including claims of being, "the chosen one." There were some rumours about suicide bombings plans, but nothing more than random mutterings were reported. Pakistan is yet to declare its emissaries to Srinagar, but it is expected that the founding members of the Karachi Gay and Lesbian club may be appointed.




Janghia Prufrock